Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Conversation with Myself

It was actually a good conversation.  A little on sided perhaps. But Myself can talk a lot. Especially when she's been ignored for a long time.  Let's say 20 years.

I posted a few days ago about being happy.  Doing what you love or at least figuring out what it is you love to do and if you can do it! :)

So yesterday Myself started talking to me.  She told me that I have been a great mom for the last 20 years.  I have worked hard at being a mom.  Maybe not always the best, but I worked hard at it and I have been doing good.  Then she proceeds to tell me that my children will be out of the house within the next 5 years.  All of them.  Maybe even sooner!  They are after all 16, 18 & 20.  I denied her accusations that my darling lovely children were going to abandon me one day.  DENIED IT VEHEMENTLY! She is stubborn though.  Myself kept talking.  I finally started to listen.  Then I started to cry...hormonal much?  Sheesh.

What will I do I ask?  If I am not a mom and don't come home from work to see my kids every day, cook dinner, help with homework and life's little emergencies then what am I going to do? I'm not having more kids! That is for sure. :) So even though I know you never stop being a parent, the time is going to come soon where I am not called upon to parent every day.  That's deep.  Myself backed down and let me absorb what she was saying.  She asked me if I'm happy.  I told her if I was happy I wouldn't have blogged a few days ago about finding the things that make you happy.

Ok, now I have to step back and say that I'm not UNHAPPY, I love my husband more than I could ever have thought possible.  I have amazing children who still make me smile every day.  And since I have loved being a parent and a wife so much I never really focused on my career.  I never really wanted a career in the first place.  I wanted to be a mom and a wife.  I know, that sounds so 1950 of me.  But it's true.  The balance of having everything I want at home made me not focus on my career.  I still really don't want a career, but I do have to help pay the mortgage and my auto loan after all.  I like to eat too.  So having a job is a must. :)

For the most part my career path has been something I have not had control over.  I took a job that sounded interesting and ended up with a boss who was able to realize that unless he kept me learning and doing new things I was going to get bored and end up leaving.  So for the last 8 years my job has morphed and changed into what it is now.  Event Coordinator/Administrative Assistant.  The person who knows a little about a lot but not a lot about anything. :)  The Gate Keeper is what I think.  The question Myself kept asking me over and over and over again...if you didn't have your wonderful children to come home to would this job make you happy?  I know you have your amazing husband  but you and I both know that he is busy too and will remain busy when the kids leave but won't.  You will hold up in your house.  You will not venture forth and do new things.  You husband will not be your crutch and he shouldn't be! You should both enjoy your life! Do things together of course because you love to do that, but find other things to do.  Things that will make you so happy to have this free time you will have.

So, with this conversation Myself forced me to have with her I am now more determined then ever to start living again.  Not just for my kids and my husband.  But for myself.  I think I may start with a Friday cooking class.  It is definitely going to start with a hair cut and a new workout!  I'm going to go back to my Brazil Butt Lift again and really enjoy it.  Not dredge through it.  I loved the idea of it but wasn't ready to actually do it full force.  Something was holding me back.  An inner sadness I think that Myself had to talk me through and make me realize I could change.

I love change.

PS...I am back, I have to amend my blog because if I didn't, I wouldn't be being truthful to myself or to you guys, so here is a post that I had shared with my friends prior to writing this blog post:
I was amazed at how well "myself" was able to articulate my needs.  I felt pretty impressed with myself's acknowledgment of my impending state of being abandoned by my children and the need to no longer view me as the "mom" but look for further clarification in my life.

I cried when myself told me that in a few short years I wouldn't have children at home and my house would be empty.  I denied it fervently at first, but myself kept pressing the issue.  Making me understand the truth of the matter.

Myself helped me understand that for the last 20 years I have fixated on being the best mom I could be.  I now want to be the best me I can be.  I thanked myself, cried with myself and then moved on and made mac and cheese.
Notice I omitted the part about Mac & Cheese in my original post.  I just thought you should know.  I can now go about my day knowing I was honest with myself and my readers.

Thank you.

1 comment:

Arto said...

Very nice written. It was pleasant to read all your thoughts and insights. Hope everything is al right. Wish you and your family a nice continue of the day.

warm kind regards
Arto, the author